The text started with goodbye. He stood on a balcony alone, overlooking the coulees — the setting sun painted warm tones on the hills which stood in stark contrast to the darkness he felt inside. Paying no attention to the sunset or singing birds, he let all his built-up feelings out in a message to his little sister. His head was heavy, as if an energy pressed him into the ground. All he could think was, “I just want this to end,” before he turned into a pile of tears on the balcony where he wanted to end his life.
“It was painful because you see me as a happy-go-lucky person. You’re not a happy-go-lucky person [when you are] carrying so much pain,” said Victor lyilade Jr.
On Halloween 2015 lyilade Jr. made a vow to himself and his little sister — he would seek professional help for his mental health. After he sent the text he got a phone call from his best friend; she wanted to talk and make sure he was okOK. Meanwhile, his sister was rushing to check on him. They sat together for a while, until eventually she convinced him to seek help. A few weeks later he was diagnosed with depression.
At his worst, lyilade Jr’s depression made him not want to be alive. He partied to mask his pain, pushed people away and lost passion for schoolwork and hobbies.
“Because I was flunking my classes so hard, I ended up having to spend two extra years at the university to get my first degree. I don’t regret any of those things — I felt like that thing almost needed to happen in order for me to process [and] get into a better headspace,” said lyilade Jr.
He now lives with his diagnosis and is working on a second degree at the University of Lethbridge. He goes to school part time, while working full time at 5th On 5th Youth Services.
Things like bullying, racism, loss of family members and a break-up piled on until he reached a tipping point. He did not want to seek help because of stigma attached to going to a councillorcounsellor. He thought he had to be strong and never gave himself time to process things that were hurting him. Leaving mental health problems untreated is not uncommon; suicide is the leading cause of death in Canadian males, according to the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA).
“I was hurting and my behaviour was also hurting other people too as a result because I was carrying so much pain within me,” said lyilade Jr.
Though he always advocated for people to seek help and counselling, he hesitated to himself. Lyilade Jr. was born in Nigeria, grew up in the Middle East and eventually came to Lethbridge to attend university. He has been here since 2011, but said home is still an abstract idea to him. He said he pushed his mental health to the side until he had to face it.
“When you keep stuffing things inside a box and you don’t declutter it, eventually that box is going to overflow… mentally I just had no more space, emotionally I had no more space to keep bottling all this pain and anger,” he said.
Since being diagnosed, lyilade Jr. has been open about his depression. He shared his story on Instagram through a page called Seeing Mental Illness. When his friends saw the post, they were surprised because they never knew the struggles he faced. He said he always had a lot of friends, but never felt he could talk about his mental health with them. After sharing his story, he found they were willing to listen.
Seeing Mental Illness is a project that aims to shine light on the reality of mental illness and make people more open to talk about it.
“I knew that what society [sees] and what happens behind closed doors are two very different things, so I wanted to show the side of what happens behind closed doors when we struggle with mental health,” said Sydney Cleland, founder of the project.
She said her goal is to tell real, raw stories that show mental illness in an honest light. When people message her wanting to be featured on the page, she is selective of which stories are shared. Cleland makes a point not to glamorize mental illness.
“It is almost like a popular thing right now to have a mental illness so I am hoping with the rawness of these stories people can see it is not something you should ever aspire to have, but it is something that is very real,” she said.
When she was first diagnosed, she did not understand what anxiety was. She said she was scared to talk about it and lost friends when she did. In 2008, 42 per cent of Canadians said they were unsure whether they would socialize with a friend who has a mental illness, according to the Centre for Addictions and Mental Health (CAMH.) Cleland’s Instagram became a way she could connect with others who share similar stories.
“I think social media has brought a ton of awareness and if I had it growing up and if I knew anxiety was a thing, I think I would have had a lot easier of a go with it than I did,” said Cleland.
Similar to lyilade Jr., she was bullied growing up — she believes she always suffered from anxiety but did not know what it was. She dismissed it as physical health issues, telling her doctors she had stomach aches and her head hurt. The anxiety did not go away when she got older; it got worse.
“At the end of my university career I had destroyed myself, pushing myself so hard… I had a fear of failing and not being what everyone expected me to be,” she said.
When Cleland started the project, she was in her first year working as a middle school teacher. She used every weekend for about three months to work on the page. Though it was challenging and draining, she said it helped her feel less alone.
“The summer before I started this project, I was in the worst place I think I have ever been mentally and it took a lot to pull me out of that place. This project was one of those things — it gave me a purpose,” she said.
When her anxiety and depression reached its worsepeak, Cleland said she pushed friends away, drank and partied too much and did not take care of herself. She recognized she was trying to harm herself but was scared to open up and ask for help.
“It took to the point of, ‘I don’t want to live,’ and had made plans to take my life that I was like, ‘what am I doing? I need to be the one to pull myself out of this,’” said Cleland.
After her diagnosis, she was put on eight different medications over the span of a year. They did not work for her. Her mother also pressured her to see a therapist to and she said it was the only treatment that helped. She said medication masked her problems and trauma, but her therapist explained them to her and helped her work through them.
“He changed my life. If it was not for him, I probably would not be here and I definitely wouldn’t be the person I am,” she said.
Her project is not about trying to be a social media influencer — Cleland said she dislikes social media and feels people become obsessed with it. She only uses it because it gives her a platform which can reach a large audience. After making a post, she does not look at the comments or how many likes it gets. She said she only checks social media when she is working on the project.
Cleland said though she wants to spread awareness of mental illness through her Instagram, the posts are often most helpful for the people sharing their stories, such as lyilade Jr.
He said self-awareness has been one of the most important factors in learning to live with his mental illness. When he first fell into depression, he said it was because he lost his ability to be self-aware of his own triggers.
“Even people who have a diagnosable mental illness can still be mentally healthy, so there are days where they’re doing really good, they are managing their symptoms and are happy. Then there will be other days where their symptoms of their mental illness will come up and show itself,” says Chris Windle, Alberta Health Services addiction and mental health promotion facilitator.
Windle said we should look at mental health similar to like the way we look at physical health. She said people are accessing treatment more often because of initiatives like Bell Let’s Talk and social media raising awareness.
lyilade Jr. and Cleland were both scared to talk about their mental illness when they were diagnosed. According to CAMH, by the time Canadians reach 40-years-old, one-in-two will have, or have had, a mental illness.
“Now we are in a point where people need to not only talk about it — they need to also understand it and start implementing some kind of changes into everyday society,” said Cleland
Tyler Hay 